Out of Sanity
by McGonagall's Bola
Summary: Set after 8.01 Out Of Time. What if Detective Delko didn't have the strength to fight anymore, leaving our two main characters with their spirits broken after his death? DuCaine -REWRITTEN!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_"Eric. I know how hard... how hard you're fighting right now. And I know how easy it would be to slip away and be with Marisol. I think about that, too, but I don't want you to do it. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for you to... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's just... I... I... I've... I lost her, and... and Ray... and Speed... You're... You're all I've got left, Eric. So... I... I want you to do what we always do. I want you to fight. It's what I need you to do... It's what I need you to do... I'll be right here."_

Detective Calleigh Duquesne quietly closed the hospital door to Eric's room on ICU. She had wanted to go and sit with Eric and wait until he would wake up, but noticed that he already had a visitor. Horatio hadn't appeared to have seen her, so she had quietly closed the door again, deciding to wait until he would leave. Right when the door would have fallen into the locker, though, Horatio's emotion filled voice had sounded through the room. Calleigh's curiosity had taken over, and she'd remained listening until he was finished. Now he was, and she'd regretted listening. Nothing kept her from pulling the door shut this time, and she slowly sank down against the hospital wall. Two doctors that passed gave her a worried look, but she tried to smile them away, and it worked. As soon as both doctors had rounded the corner, however, Calleigh hid her face in her hands and sighed deep. She so wanted that she hadn't just heard this.

Eric and she had been the only ones left from the original team Horatio had taken over from Megan. She knew how much he'd loved Marisol. She knew that he'd never been able to get over it, and that he partially blamed himself for her death. And if she knew Horatio well, Calleigh had a pretty good idea of what Horatio had done when he and Eric were in Brasil. If she knew Lieutenant Caine well, Julia's accusations had not been false. She didn't doubt that she'd do exactly the same if anyone touched someone she cared for. She still hadn't forgotten about Jeanette and Hank Kerner. Her blood still started boiling when she only thought about his name. Right now, however, she was too tired and sad to ponder about it.

Calleigh knew that even though Raymond had been 'dead', he still considered his widow Yelina as his rightful sister-in-law. If he, what the young blonde supposed he did, still saw Eric as his rightful brother-in-law, then technically Eric wasn't the only one he'd got left. She didn't really think he only saw lawful or blood-relatives as his family, though. He basically lived at the job, and she knew there had at least once been a time when he would think of his team as his family, just like she did. They weren't only colleagues, or friends, but family. He'd after all mentioned Speed's name.

Maybe he'd started thinking about the team differently ever since Speed's death? Calleigh had sure felt the change. Horatio would never allow himself to be as close to them as before; honestly the two of them had rarely talked in ages. She sometimes missed that, even though her relationship with Eric had been lifted to a higher level. She still missed how Horatio and she would form the best, crime-solving team. She missed talking to him, but she didn't have much time to worry about it lately, because she'd spent every free moment with Eric.

In times of need, however, the team could still count on his support. She had not yet forgotten about the angry glare in his eyes when Horatio had held her abductor under shot and had threatened to kill him, if he even moved. She knew. So, actually... Eric wasn't really the only one left. She was still there, too. There had been a lot of occasions in the last year where she could have lost life, but she hadn't. She was still there, and it hurt to be forgotten by him. The one she'd never thought she'd be forgotten by.

Suddenly, a loud beeping noise went off inside Eric's room and she got up in one movement, looking through the window horrified. Horatio was looking from the left to the right in almost panic. And that sight overwhelmed her so much that her breath caught for a few instants. Eric was lying there, tubes running in and out of him while he fought for his life. And it had been her fault that he'd ended up in there. Hers, and only hers; she'd shot him. And now something was going wrong, and as she looked from the left to the right in the hallway, and three nurses hurried by, rushing into the room, her thought was being confirmed.

Horatio was being shushed out of Eric's room onto the hallway. The two of them shared a brief, panicked glance, and understood each other without words. That was still left of their former strong bond. Calleigh and Horatio both just stood there, looking through the window and the nurses' every movement. He couldn't die. He couldn't.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Alexx didn't like that what she was about to do. How could she even in the slightest? She blinked a few times rapidly to prevent the tears from spilling over, quietly brushing away that one obstinate tear that had managed to sneak over her lower lid, running down her cheek in a straight line. She mentally prepared herself and slowly heaved one of the deepest sighs of her life before rounding the corner to where her former team members were gathered. As she walked up to them, she suddenly couldn't help but smile. It had always been a close team. Within minutes after Horatio had been shoved into the hallways by her colleagues, the whole of the team had gathered up in the waiting room, including Frank. She walked over to them slowly, wanting to prolong that what she didn't wish to do as long as possible. By the time Alexx had reached her former team, Calleigh, Horatio, Natalia, Ryan and Frank had all already gotten up from their seats in order of mentioning.

"Alexx?" Two voices sounded at the very same time. Both voices were strained and belonged to Calleigh and Horatio. Natalia stood by swallowing nervously, while Ryan seemed to lose it with worry and Frank looked as if he already expected what was to come. He looked up at the young, blond ballistics expert with worry. It wasn't a secret for anyone anymore that she and Eric were, or maybe had been, seeing each other for a little while. That was now the result of working close to each other every day.

Horatio and Calleigh looked at each other for a brief moment, then turned back to the former M.E. in unison, too. "I'm sorry," she whispered, barely loud enough for all team members to hear her. It took a few moments before this information seemed to kick in. The first one to react was Calleigh. She let out a despairing howl, making to run into the direction Alexx had come from, but the African American woman stopped her, holding her, gently patting the small of her back while trying to shush her. Natalia's eyes flashed back and forth as if she was hoping for someone else to jump out of nowhere and say it was a joke. No one jumped in view, though... Frank's hand went to lay upon the brunette's shoulder for comfort, while Ryan just stood there dumbfounded at the news, hand in front of his mouth.

Horatio's world suddenly seemed to stand still there at once. Eric... gone? It couldn't really be... His mind's thoughts were, however, interrupted by a female struggle on his right. The redhead simply did what he'd learned to do; what he'd been educated to on the job: trying to break them apart. Calleigh was still trying hopelessly to get away, almost surely to go back to Eric's room. She needed to be confronted with it; with the hard facts, before she'd even consider believing it. Her head simply felt like splitting under the intensity of this all. She'd killed Eric... Killed him... He was gone now... He wouldn't come back this time... The smell of his famous Cafe Cubano would never fill the break room anymore...

The red haired lieutenant quietly moved, taking Calleigh from their friend and holding her against his chest trying to calm her down, thinking that maybe letting her fight until she had to give up from pure exhaustion, would work. She was already so much exhausted emotionally, thus he assumed that it wouldn't take that long. She, however, scrambled even more, and managed to get away, running along the hallway into the direction of the ICU.

Natalia's breath caught, before she turned around into Frank's arms and started to cry. He simply let her. Ryan was still too much discombobulated. Eric and he never had gotten along that well, but... Horatio, and Alexx, however, ran after Calleigh the fastest their legs could carry them.

The blonde simply burst into Eric's room, being confronted with two nurses in their mid-thirties who were uncoupling the tubes and monitors he'd been attached to. This sight actually appeared to be even more intense and extremely painful than only hearing the news had already been. Calleigh's legs now started trembling, and her breath caught more each half second passing. By the time Alexx and Horatio got there, she was sinking down slowly again, even though tears were long gone at this point, maybe replaced by shock.

Soon enough, she was down on her knees, gazing off with beglazed eyes. Horatio's eyes were rimmed with tears, just like Alexx'.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Eric's coffin was slowly being lowered into the grave. The whole team had gathered up in the very first row, together with his two remaining sisters and mother. There were some others there, but mainly indirect colleagues from the police force who wanted to pay their last respects. There was a silence like none had ever seemed before. Frank was there trying his best to hold Natalia together. Ryan still seemed dumbfounded at all this, standing at the side, trying to support Natalia's other side. Her sobs and crying were the only thing audible.

Eric's sisters and mother seemed to have accepted it. Their tears had been dried by now. Tara was standing just a little away from the team, but was there as well. Alexx was right beside Calleigh, biting her trembling lower lip. Calleigh's eyes simply gazed out at the scene dully, eyes from which the life and soul seemed to have been drained. Her eyes were teary, but she wasn't crying. Horatio's cheeks, however, showed clearly visible tear trails, but he didn't speak. He felt a bit out of place there. Like he wasn't really there, yet too much at the same time.

Someone else who felt almost precisely the same at that moment, was Calleigh. She seemed to look at it from another person's point of view. Out of someone else's eyes; someone who looked at the scene from above, neutrally. She wasn't capable of being neutral about anything laid out in front of her. Calleigh Duquesne, the Bullet Girl's heart had been broken, and she didn't think it could ever be put together again rightly. After all, she still considered herself as being the one to cause his death and therefore her own pain. If she ever wanted to heal, she'd have to start forgiving herself. Which was something she'd promised herself never to do. She'd promised herself never to forgive, or forget. Not that she thought she could, ever, not even if she really wanted to.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

When the funeral was over, everyone slowly seemed to disappear. One of the first was of course Stetler – he'd just been there because he was kind of obliged as an IAB Sergeant and having worked in Forensics, the same department as Eric. Calleigh and the rest of the team made their way to Eric's mother and sisters when the rest of the mass dispersed, leaving only a sad, broken team and family. The blonde carefully shook Alejandra's, then Novia's hand absentmindedly, before taking both Eric's mother's hands and bursting out in tears that she'd kept inside too long. "I'm sorry..." Calleigh whispered. "It's all my fault..."

"Shh..." Horatio whispered, gently placing a hand on Calleigh's shoulder. "You did what you're–" "Let go!" The young ballistics expert screamed, turning around in one fast, swift motion. Natalia and Frank, and basically everyone else still present jumped back. "You, you selfish–!" She managed to let out, before slapping him into the face. Grief could surely stir things up, making you act like you otherwise maybe never would. It could make you completely insane, even.

Natalia's and Alexx' hands went for their mouths and both women simply stood there watching in shock. Frank and Ryan just looked as if she'd slapped them into their faces. This wasn't like Calleigh, was it? The blonde's breathing gradually calmed down, but rage was still visible into the emerald green. Horatio wondered where this suddenly came from, but did not speak. He only remained calm and motionless, ready to take another punch if that would bring her relief.

She didn't hit him again, though, but just gazed at him angrily. No one really understood what was going on, but Calleigh. She was starting to look calmer, but when Horatio slowly opened his mouth and let out Detective Duquesne's first name, the anger suddenly seemed to flare even higher that it had before, and he swore that if she'd been a dragon, steam would have come out of her nostrils. "What did I do to you?" Horatio wondered. That seemed to do it for real.

"I heard you in the hospital!" Calleigh screamed. "We haven't talked decently in ages; you seem to ignore me and only search contact when on CSI and when strictly necessary! I would have never thought you'd forget about me, but I clearly stopped counting from the moment you started dating Marisol. You haven't even looked me in the eye ever since her! I know you loved her, but that's no reason to turn your back on those who've stood by your side ever since the start, or the ones that came along on the way," Calleigh reasoned, looking at Natalia and Ryan particularly. "That's not like the man I looked up to, and with whom I'd walk that lonely road he followed! I'm just saying, Horatio," Calleigh said, no longer yelling now, and halfway sobbing at this point, "Watch out, or you'll end up walking your lonely road alone after all."

"Calleigh, I loved him," Horatio admitted right then and there. "I loved him," he whispered before looking down and turning his back on them, starting to walk away, leaving everyone there dumbfounded. This wasn't something that the redhead would usually do, either. It was just another example of how grief could change you. Momentarily, if not forever.

The young blonde needed a few instants to process what Horatio'd just said. She could have known after walking in on them in the hospital, but it was hard to hear. "So did I!" Calleigh screamed, "And that's why I'm taking my responsibility!" She added, ripping her badge from her belt and throwing it towards Horatio, who just turned around at her angry voice again. Calleigh's badge ended right in front of his feet. She let out a hollow sob, before whispering, "I'm sorry," towards the grave in which Eric lay and leaving the graveyard.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

Monday morning, and as it was Calleigh's routine, she got up around seven and slid out of bed, slowly making it decently before retreating into the bathroom to take a hot shower. After showering, she usually went downstairs to have breakfast before getting back upstairs and brushing her already white teeth. After tooth brushing, she usually combed her straight, long blond hair and applied some subtle make-up in that order, before picking out a comfortable, yet mostly hot looking outfit for work. Before leaving, she always took her gun out of the safe on the bottom of her wardrobe and clasped her detective's badge visibly onto her belt.

Today, however, something was out of the ordinary. And she simply followed her routine without realizing up until taking her gun out of her safe. Her badge. Calleigh sighed. That's right. She'd resigned. The young blonde sat down on the floor in front of the gun safe, simply holding the gun into her lap. It'd been the right decision, she contemplated. Again, Horatio's last words to Eric flashed across her mind, and she, annoyed, irritated, shook her head back and forth, trying to make them go away. It wouldn't be easy breaking through that strict routine she'd built up after all these years of working at CSI. Maybe she'd have to go look for another one, soon. Taxes didn't show any mercy; and even though she hadn't ever been off that bad concerning her loan at the Forensics Lab, she feared she'd feel it into her wallet soon. Resigning on free will or not – as in being fired – had a remarkable change in payments afterwards. She sighed again. Maybe it hadn't been such a good decision after all, but she rather starved than crawl back to the redhead in charge.

Calleigh slowly placed her gun back into the vault and changed into sweats before crawling back into bed. She smiled to herself, thinking that even though trouble was gathering up at her front door, she could stay in bed the longest she wanted. Who cared anymore?

However, right when she'd managed to curl herself under the covers nicely again, her cell phone rang. As usual, Horatio; and again as usual, she didn't pick up, nor didn't even feel the slightest urge to do that. He'd been trying to call her multiple times a day ever since the funeral on Friday. Thank goodness he'd never dared pull up into her driveway, or she'd push him one of her sweetest guns into the face. She wouldn't have ever thought to hate him, but now she really thought she did.

Not even an instant after Horatio's call – no message had been left – her cell phone started ringing once again, and this time Calleigh really planned to pick up and yell at him, up until grudgingly reaching out for it and noticing 'Natalia' on the screen as the caller ID. She simply laid her cell phone down onto the nightstand again and let it ring, and just a few moments later, Calleigh got an automatic text message informing her about a new voice message. She grumbled.

'Hi Calleigh; it's me, Nat... Uhm... I really hope that you didn't mean what you said at the... on Friday. We need you here. Horatio, too. I mean, just think about all this well before you... Either way, talk to you later, I hope... Please... Bye.'

The young blonde sighed again. It now was an hour after shift had started, when her door bell rang downstairs. Calleigh smashed one of her pillows against the closet, before pushing away the covers and getting out of bed, walking downstairs on bare feet and throwing open her front door, only to find Horatio standing there. Calleigh's jaw clenched. "You," she spat, restraining herself from throwing the door right back into his face. "What are you doing here?"

"I come to apologize."

Calleigh snorted, mumbling between her teeth. "Apologize..."

Horatio nodded, sighing deep. "Calleigh, please let me explain before you smash that door closed in front of me. I'm aware that's something you really want to do right now..." The redhead slowly looked up into her eyes, but she turned away again. The lieutenant sighed again. According to the very looks of it, Calleigh wasn't even planning to invite him in, so it would have to be on the door step then. He wasn't going to let anything stop him this time. "Calleigh, after Marisol... I... I started thinking... No one that I loved, seemed to be safe. That's why I promised myself to keep away from the ones I surely didn't want to hurt. You, and the rest of the team were the biggest part of them. For Eric, however, being – having been – Marisol's brother, and having gone along to Brazil and been followed by perhaps whole of the Russian mob, I realized it was already too late."

"You simply gave up on him?" Calleigh questioned, not believing her ears.

"That's not what I meant, I... I'm sorry, Calleigh. You are completely right about all this. I acted wrong. This, I guess, proves more than anything that you're the better. I'm offering you the chair of Lieutenant if that's what it takes to get you back at CSI."

"Caine, have or haven't you completely lost your mind?" The young blonde let out.

"Maybe," Horatio answered truthfully at her honest question. "I would have always hoped for us to stick together as a team, but then Speed... and Alexx... and Eric, now... And just look at us right now. That what we fight against together, clearly fought back and won," Horatio whispered, before turning back around. He'd said what he'd wanted to say.

"Horatio?" A soft southern voice called out for him. "It didn't," she said, shaking her platinum blond head to clarify her statement, before taking a few steps closer to Horatio and wrapping her arms around him. "I'm sorry," both CSIs let out at precisely the same time. Great minds thought alike. And great minds thought no one was going to get them down on their knees.


End file.
